Xenophilia
by AotA
Summary: SG-1 finally meets a race that has big honking space guns and is willing to share them. The only problem? As a race they are all impossibly sluttish and don't consider species as a line to be crossed. As far as they are concerned, there IS no line. Crack. (Double update.)
1. Chapter 1

Title: Xenophilia  
Author: AotA  
Rating: T  
Warning: crack, sexual themes  
Characters: Jack O'Neill, George Hammond. Mentions of: Optimus Prime, Prowl, Jazz  
Setting: Stargate: SG-1, Transformers: Any  
Summary: SG-1 finally meets a race that has big honking space guns and is willing to share them. The only problem? As a race they are all impossibly sluttish and don't consider species as a line to be crossed. As far as they are concerned, there _is_ no line.  
Notes: This came from a random thought of what would happen if Cybertronians met SG-1, where said Cybertronians were the hypersexual sort where getting sexed up in officer's meetings was totally normal. Would definitely make for "interesting" diplomatic relationships.

* * *

"Now, what's this about there being 'possible diplomatic issues' with these... Cybertronians?" Hammond asked, "If _you're_ using political euphemisms then I start reaching for the antacids."

Jack made a face, "Let's just say they're... really, _really_ ahem 'friendly.'"

"Friendly."

"Yeah."

"Friendly as in...?"

"Friendly as in they have random bunches of whatever kind of alien equivalent of sex is in meetings composed of the head of their armies, a guy who is kind of like the cross between the president and the Dalai Lama, The Guy's SIC, TIC, a bunch of high level officers, and... well. You get the point," Jack's eye twitched.

Hammond stared. Then he reached for the antacids.

"Apparently they see no problem with inviting humans to join in either," Jack said thoughtfully.

The general choked on the tablets.

As the general was busy choking, Jack continued, "Seeing as they're big honking alien robots, I'm not entirely sure how that's supposed to work out, but Danny boy was pretty interested. 'For the anthropological viewpoint, of course' he says."

Hammond's face was red when he washed the antacids down. "Tell me you stopped him." It wasn't a question, but more a kind of retroactive command.

"Yeah," Jack looked disturbed, "They were disappointed, but they didn't fuss about it. The part that really screwed with my head was the fact that I was expecting them to make a fuss about it because we _weren't_ putting out." The colonel ignored the way Hammond's fists clenched on his desk, "I mean... what kind of galaxy is this that it has made me completely unmoved in the face of having to have weird alien sex with robots as a matter of course for diplomatic relations, and the fact that they accept that we _don't_ want to have weird alien robot sex that throws me off?"

"Out."

"Sir?"

"Get out. Now."

"Yessir!"


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Xenophilia: Chapter 2  
Author: AotA  
Rating: T  
Warning: crack, sexual themes  
Characters: Sam Carter, Optimus Prime, Jazz  
Setting: Stargate: SG-1, Transformers: Any  
Summary: SG-1 finally meets a race that has big honking space guns and is willing to share them. The only problem? As a race they are all impossibly sluttish and don't consider species as a line to be crossed. As far as they are concerned, there _is_ no line.  
Notes: More Xenophilia for you all! Gimme all your giant alien robot lovin'!

* * *

"I am very glad for the chance that led to our two races meeting," the large metal being _purred_ in a way that was at the same time professional, but the undertone was all wrong for it to actually mean anything resembling the innocuous wording. The ambassador twitched and managed to reply somewhat gracefully.

Off to the side, Sam suppressed the reflexive urge to pant. Not sexy. Not sexy. Not— Oh god. Such beautiful articulation, and the grace of the intricate different parts. Yes. That's right. She was perfectly justified in lusting after the alien leader's technologically advanced, beautifully made body. From a _technical_ perspective of course! Right. Right. The resonant sound of his voice was curiously sexy... Er. Strong. Yeah. Strong was the word she was looking for.

The thought got stuck for a moment as she stared at the two talking a short ways away.

Oh. Who was she kidding. She was getting the hots for a giant alien robot. Sam valiantly resisted the urge to introduce hand and face.

"Hey, there, li'l lady," Sam spun around and saw the mech that had been introduced as the head of the Cultural Relations Office, "Whatcha doing over here all by your lonesome?" The resonances in his voice were very different from the ones that she was hearing from the Prime's, but they were _exciting_ where the leader's were dignified and peaceably powerful.

Sam stared, not responding before she blinked and shook her head to clear it. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. "I was _warned_ about you," she blurted out without thinking.

Jazz's head reared back a bit, then _laughter_ rolled over her and left her feeling like she had just had a no holds barred, breathless pillow fight. The mech smiled at her, "Warned huh?" He knelt, "Now what was it that ya might need ta be warned about when it comes to li'l ol' me, hmm?" The "wink" that came in the form of a flicker of an optic was not, not, _not_ innocent in the slightest. Pickup lines from an alien robot. And damned if it wasn't working. She didn't even _know_ him beyond the _ahem_ interesting and... er, _informative_ "lesson" on cybertronian... relations.

Oh god.

They had done this to Daniel too, before Jack had grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and hauled him away.

Daniel. The name clicked a thought into place. Cultural study stuff. Head of Cultural Relations. Jazz. Of course!

"You probably want to talk to Daniel! He's an anthropologist and xenoanthropology," she nearly babbled, not noticing her grammatical gaffe, "He's right over there!" She pointed, taking the moment when Jazz's head was turned to skedaddle.

Hidden behind some cover, she breathed and tried to become one with the wall.

Oh god.

That was too close.

Very sexy, very alien, robots.

Whodathunk those three things would go together so devastatingly well?


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Xenophilia: Chapter 3  
Author: AotA  
Rating: T  
Warning: crack, sexual themes  
Characters: Daniel Jackson  
Setting: Stargate: SG-1, Transformers: Any  
Summary: SG-1 finally meets a race that has big honking space guns and is willing to share them. The only problem? As a race they are all impossibly sluttish and don't consider species as a line to be crossed. As far as they are concerned, there _is_ no line.  
Notes: What is the Cybertronian angle? Any one that'll get them in your pants.

* * *

"They have to have _some_ kind of ulterior motive! No one just _gives away_ weapons tech like that!"

"Of course they have an ulterior motive," Daniel said mildly.

"And what would that be?"

"'That' would be addicting us to sexual favors. They like us. They want to have lots and lots of cross-species sex with us," Daniel said with a completely straight face, "It is how they relate to one another, and they want to share it with us. As for the weapons, well, if you were facing that much firepower, wouldn't you want to take the more pleasurable option and settle things with a more civilized horizontal tango rather than being wiped off the map?"

The xenoanthropological explanation was met with sputters and red faces all around.


End file.
